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I was raised on classic-rock radio, and still occasionally flip to Q-104 or 95.1 (“THE ROCKET!!”) in hopes of stumbling upon a Get the Led Out megaset. Or at least “More Than a Feeling.” I dig a lot of Boston songs. I like Skynyrd. Aerosmith. And many, many other 70s FM acts that, frozen in a tight-playlist timewarp, I know I’ll be hearing until the day I die. I’m cool with that. I’m cool with “Radar Love” and “Hold Your Head High.”

I list the above two songs only to show how generous my spirit really is in these matters. Because, really, both those songs totally suck. Yet compared to the list I’m about to present, they’re freakin’ “Good Vibrations” and “Hey Jude.” The list below, created with my friend Eric, is the Classic Rock Playlist from Hell. Did ANYBODY EVER like these songs? I’d say the answer is an emphatic no. Yet no doubt due to some shadowy 99-year payola deal that was scripted in some coked-up back room in 1978, we still have to hear them. Like twice a day. For eternity.

Further suggestions are welcome.

10. “Evil Ways,” Santana. Seriously, you can just have Santana. Stupid hippies. I mean, for all they ramble about having changed the world, what did they really accomplish? Other than making me listen to their crappy music? FOREVER?

9. “All Right Now,” Free. I like Bad Company as much as the next guy, that is, if the next guy likes Bad Company. But even that guy thinks this song sucks.

8. “Baracuda,” Heart. Though without this killer riff, what would all the local community colleges use as background music in their 3 a.m. ads? DUH-DUKKA-DUH-DUKKA-DUH-DUKKA-DUH WOOOWOWOOWOOOOO “The future in air-conditioning repair is WIDE OPEN!” DUH-DUKKA-DUH-DUKKA-DUH-DUKKA-DUH WOOOWOWOOWOOOOO.

7. “Life in the Fast Lane,” the Eagles. The Eagles just need to be listed on general principle. Also because in college, my band was repeatedly upstaged by a bunch of tools who did a note-perfect cover of this damn song.

6. “I’ve Seen All Good People,” Yes. Quick: Which would you rather do? Listen to only “I’ve Seen All Good People” for the rest of your life, or permanently wear a bucket on your head?

5. “Takin’ Care of Business,” Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Little-known fact: The “business” referenced here is the business of being retarded.

4. “Bad to the Bone,” George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers. CUE former goody-two-shoes in this summer’s comedy romp emerging from a prolonged sulk in leather jacket, peering over her Ray-Bans, growling about hitting the town, or rolling, or blowing this popsicle stand, then stepping into that stupid red Corvette waiting at the curb and peeling out.

3. “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll,” Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. This song would be the worst of all time if not for the mitigating factors of “Night Moves” and the cool vest Seger’s wearing on the back cover of Stranger in Town.

2. “Roundabout,” Yes. The only band mentioned twice here. I’ll go to bat for “Owner of a Lonely Heart” (cool beat), but otherwise I’d have no problem making this an all-Yes list.

1. “Carry on My Wayward Son,” Kansas (pictured, somewhere beneath the dry-ice smoke). At least it has therapeutic value: six-plus minutes to wail in the car, over and over, “Why? Why? Why?”

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