Man, I laughed out loud today when Gawker ran its PSA on how to walk in New York. People who know me know I’m a very impatient pedestrian. Even New Yorkers ask me what the rush is. Part of what makes the city so hellish during the holiday season, as described below, is that the out-of-towners who clot our already crowded sidewalks are so damn slow. Gawker wisely compared walking here to driving:

Ok, suburbtards: imagine that you’re tooling around the streets of the development full of identical McMansions where you live when you’re not annoying us. You wouldn’t randomly veer into the left lane and start plowing into oncoming traffic, would you? Unfortunately, no, you wouldn’t. So why the hell would you think it was okay to do this when walking up or down a staircase or on a crowded avenue sidewalk in Manhattan? Why? Why why why? Because you are soooo dumb.

And also? Parks and museums are for strolling. Not so much on 5th Avenue:

It’s just generally understood that we speedwalk here all the time, like as fast as we can. Even if we don’t have anywhere to go, we walk really really fast. This is good policy for two reasons: 1) we burn more calories, which helps us fit into subway seats and not have to become fatassed suburbanites like you and 2) it’s considerate to the people walking behind us, who might actually be rushing to get somewhere important. Try it! It’s good for your karma and your waistline.

But the best is for the cellphone losers–I work two blocks from the intersection described below, and I want to push someone under a bus every time I go there:

Talking and walking slows you down, especially when you’re doing this: “Blah blah loudly! Where are you?? Well I’m at,” (comes to a dead standstill and looks around for the nearest street sign) “the corner of Spring and Broadway! Yeah, you know, the huge, clotted pedestrian intersection! And all these people are stuck right behind me and they’re looking at me like they want to kill me! Wonder why??”

So there you have it–pick up the pace and/or get out of the way. Merry Christmas.

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